Perhaps I’m too busy for this challenge…or perhaps it’s coming at just the right time.
Do you ever feel like you’re standing on a diving board, toes to the edge, ready to jump, but paralyzed? Maybe it’s too high and you think you’ll get hurt. Maybe you don’t know what you’re jumping into, or if it’s deep enough. Maybe you’re afraid of how you’ll look and feel.
Or maybe the board is in your mind, and there is no water.
Either way, you look at your toes and the depths below and…do you jump?
Right now, I don’t know how to dive. (Literally and figuratively, ha!) I feel like I’m staring at my toes, wanting to be somewhere else, but jumping in means letting go of the safety of where I am standing. I wish I could stretch my arms and wings in a beautiful, arching swan dive. But i dont know how to do this.
I was going to meditate on the qlippoth for this challenge. But as the start came around, and I began practicing sitting in silence, it didn’t seem to fit any more. Really, nothing does seem to fit right. I feel out of place. My body has gained pounds that don’t sit right. My spirituality doesn’t feel like it embraces my Self. Nothing just…fits.
It is like the Story of the Lobster.
So, I’ve been sitting. Sitting with silence, sitting with the voice of the Divine. My first night I had a vision, of an angel with beautiful black feathery wings. (Perhaps Lilith dropped in again?) I enjoyed her beauty and let her go. The second night, I had the same vision.
What is this dark angel trying to tell me? I don’t know. So I gave something a try. I started discarding. Vampiric friends, half assed commitments, even stuff I didn’t need on the physical plane. It was a start. I feel lighter already.
But I still feel my toes on the board. I’m afraid to jump, more though, I’m afraid I don’t know how to.